The Spit Bucket

Who really gets the main stage at Christian Conferences?

                                                                                                    

Conference Cowboys

 

 

It’s that time of year again when our inboxes are flooded with promotions for the biggest, slickest Christian conferences ever. Pastor conferences.  Media Conferences. A world of Willowcreek Conferences. Even a Greeter Conference.

No matter what  Christian conference you attend, they have a few things in common:

·         they are usually 3 days long

·         are held in swank place other than a church basement

·         and most important, offer you a discount rate at an equally swank hotel if sign up for “early bird registration”.

Most conferences these days have a pre-conference, covering in-depth issues and intense training, that are too deep and intense for the main conference. There’s also an exhibitor’s hall with lots of free candy, live music during after hours events and a goodie bag of free stuff (including coupons, pens, and and official conference T-shirt) you get when you sign in for your official conference name badge. But the biggest draw of Christian conferences is the keynote speaker, or as I refer to them, conference cowboys (CC) for their ability to wrangle in high attendance numbers to these evangelvents. 

A CC usually falls into one of three categories:

·         a pastor with a booming church whose rubbed shoulders with Bono

·         a Christian activist who brought awareness to a social justice cause

·         The quasi-Christian celebrity: a nationally recognized CEO or politician who found faith only  after a subpoena or looking at the polls

 

You can spot a CC at a conference by the fancy name badge. The CC name badge is decorated like a high ranking officer’s, with dangling blue ribbons and big gold letters, making him the five-star general of the three day tour. Attendees like myself wear the enlisted personnel conference name badge, void of any decorations, bearing name and hometown, one of which is spelled wrong.

 

I enjoy conferences and have had the privilege to have held workshops at a few of them. Since I’m not a conference cowboy, my workshop is usually on the last day, during one of the time slots that are hard to fill since many of the attendees are racing for their planes.

 

But as much as I like conferences I also hate them.  They tend to mess with my faith. Often times, I attend a conference with hopes of getting motivated and refueled, but end up jealous, confused and worse yet, weary about what Christians are really glorifying.

This usually happens on the next to the last night of the conference, in an auditorium with an air conditioning unit set on Arctic blast. Somewhere between the encore performance of the hip band and the CC’s little too long "talk", I realize Christian humility has left building. It might be that the CC is not as sincere as I’d like him/her to be.  Or I start coveting a bigger better ministry than my own. Or I get snubbed by a church web designer whose podcast was highlighted in Outreach magazine.

  

But then it hits me. Maybe the CC I’m supposed to be listening to at conferences isn’t the guy with the goatee on the promotional materials…but Christ. After all, it’s about HIM, not us.

 

So if you go to a conference and find yourself nibbling the $8 nuts  in your mini fridge out of frustration, use that time to have a one-on-one workshop with JC. Share with Him the gunk that came bubbling up during the conference, from your doubts to your desires.

 

Who knows, maybe that’s what conferences are all about.

 

Bootleg Faith

 

Are you stealing someone else’s signal from God?

Finally, guilt caught up to me.

Actually, it wasn’t guilt, but Jonna, another resident in our high rise condo building that had a non-secure WiFi signal.

With full bars yet.

And you know the rest. Just like I’m accustomed to do at Starbucks and other coffee shops, I turned on my laptop and sucked off her free signal.

Until last week.

Jonna caught up to me and put a security code on her signal.

So I broke down and got my own wireless modem and spent half a day talking to technical support in India trying to figure it out.

While I didn’t feel remorse for tapping into her free signal, it made me wonder, am I tapping into someone else’s signal to God?

It’s so easy to say I’m a devote Christian. I read my Bible when nothing is good on TV. I’m kind to bad drivers in SUVs who are on their cell phones. I pray twice a day and always throw in an extra quickie “please no deer” prayer before a long Wisconsin road trips.

But when it comes to my hearing directly from God, I admit, I’m guilty of sponging off other’s signals, from pastor to friends, even shaky two bar signals from popular TV evangelists.

And complain that I don't hear from God. The truth is, if I expect finding something in my inbox, I better invest in MY OWN  signal.

How?

Morning devotions.

Make them more important than your morning coffee. After all, Bible reading is the caffeine on Christianity.

Prayer with your ears, not with your mouth. So often, I’m guilty of ordering God around, as if He needs to follow my agenda. Yeah, right.

Have a spiritual intention each day.

Ask Go, who or what cause should I put on the top of your prayer list.

Finally, unplug from the ugh.

Tune into God’s natural signals from nature, whether it’s the sounds of birds tweeting or the smell of spring blossoms or just noticing some aspect of nature you haven’t before. Sans ipod, PDO or fave five.

Make sure your network is unsecure.  You read that right. Forget security codes and ACCESS DENIED WARNINGS. Others, from neighbors to coworkers to fellow latte lovers, may need to sponge off YOUR signal, especially on your ffabulous ive bar days.

So Jonna, whoever you are, feel free to sponge off of me.

 

WALK OF SHAME

AMPED TV SPOT  MAKES LIGHT OF ONE NIGHT STANDS
So I’m responsible for some of the commercials that undoubtedly inspired Ti-Vo.
Commercials panned by Andy Rooney on 60 minutes. Promotions more confusing to figure out than a Rubik’s cube. Fake looking people giving "bite and smiles" after indulging in fake process cheese.
Yeah, that was me. Just part of the 17 minutes of sponsorship carved out of every hour of network TV.
But the spot I saw on M-TV last week was the ultimate  in bad taste.
It was for AMP, one of those energy drinks that cost more per gallon than gasoline.
The spot featured a thirty second jingle about one night stands. You read it right. It was a catchy song, almost as catchy as an STD you'd contract on a one night escapade . While I can’t remember the words, the message was this: No matter whose bed you crawl out of, how disgusting you feel, you don’t have to walk home in shame the next morning. Drink some AMP, and you’ll bolt out of their holding your head high.
It would be tasteless enough if this commercial were for an alcoholic beverage. But it wasn’t. It was for a caffeinated drink popular with teens. And it wasn’t selling energy as much as fueling a “bad boy” lifestyle. And it's just one of a series of tasteless commercials.

Knowing how many people are involved in the production of a TV spot, I’m curious why no one questioned the content of the creative Not one agency executive, brand manager, thought the commercial crossed the line of bad taste.  After all, it's about  the bottom line.
So I think it's time we get amped. 
You can peep the outrageousness here. Then give Indra K. Nooyi an  earful. She’s the CEO of Pepsico, AMP’s parent company, who will most likely avoid taking the blame for the walk of shame.
If you're in youth ministry and catch your teens drinking AMP, be sure to ask what they think of the advertising. It would make for a high voltage discussion.

That's Not What it's About-reach

Outreach Resources of the Year.
So it’s that time of year when Outreach  Magazine announces its Resources of the Year Awards.
After reading the winners, I have to ask, Is that what it's about?
Lots of them were by hip cool pastors  from big churches offering “miracle gro” advice to other hip cool pastors.
Others were about selling your soul on Ebay or peppermint filled piñatas. Fun reads, catchy titles, but is that what it’s about?
There were a few kits, the hamburger helper of entries, offering instant outreach ideas, all as easy as cheesy beef stroganoff. They were targeted towards none other than the single mom.
But as far as I could tell, none of the nominations were intended to be read by the “lost” population the church is  trying to reach. No tools to share with the pregnant teen or  crack addict who’s turning tricks for a fix, yet alone the African orphan or evangelical turned atheist.
The winning tools were for us, inside the church, not those outside of it.
That’s why the Spitbucket made their own nominations for Outreach Resources of the year. These  titles can’t be peeped on faith based websites, but are helpful tools to connect you with those who’d rather wrestle a pit-bull than sit on a pew. Or more importantly, to get believers out of the pews and wrestle real issues.
Winning Entries
The Faith Club
Three mothers, from three different faiths (a Muslim,  Christian and Jew) talk openly about their beliefs and differences while  working on a book project. Yeah, it’s real. The Faith Club has inspired several online and live Faith clubs around the country,  getting real dialog  doing between the different faiths.

Getting Played
This book, like the Faith Club, won’t be found on a Lifeway book shelf but it will lead the reader to community action.  While attending a forum hosted by the book's author, I met several community leaders from non-faith based orgs around Chicago, all on a mission to help the A-squared female.  Use this book as a catalyst to create partnerships between your church and community leaders, bringing  awareness to this critical  issue.

The Spelling Tests of third graders from any inner-city public school.
No, you can’t find these on Amazon. But if reading them doesn’t motivate you to start  a tutoring program, nothing will.

Honorable Mentions
Of course, my mother as well as countless TF customers would recommend Hood and Life After Birth (but  they weren't on the judging panel).  These books aren't  hooks to bring  teen moms and urban teens  into your world,  but  are boats  to bring you into their's.

Back to Outreach’s list.
A few titles did catch my eye. Zach Hunter's  Be The Change written by a kid who's doing something other than writing text messages. And another, a 28-page booked from Intervarsity Press on Sexual Abuse. A nobody author—as it should be—with an issue that nobody likes to talk about but everyone needs to listen to-- sexual abuse.  You can’t read it and ignore doing something about it.
Now that’s it’s about-reach.

Ghostwriting for Jesus

I just met heard through the Christian grapevine that one of my favorite mega pastor authors uses a ghostwriter. I know it’s true, because the person I corresponded with was his ghostwriter!
Ghostwriting isn’t banned from Christian publishing circles, it's actually quite common. While you may never attended a book signing by Cecil Murphy, you might have read several of his books.
Around the time of Y2K, when everyone was hoarding batteries and bottled water, thinking the end of the world was coming, there  was a lot of bad press about ghost writers in the Christian market.  Everyone from Billy Graham to Bill Hybels was accused of being anything but the authentic Christian they  write about.
But I’m not blogging to expose the ghostwriter,  I'm going to  commend him or her.
Ghostwriters in many respects are the brains behind the almighty Sunday Morning OZ, telling us to  “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!” 
They let someone else get credit for their talents, keeping attention off themselves.
Being a ghostwriter of sorts– a transparent servant of God --is really what it’s all about.. In all of our efforts, the story of our lives should point to our Creator, not the man in the mirror.
This doesn’t just apply to those who write Amazon best sellers, but to our church communication efforts. Whether it’s a newsletter, sermon, special program or a fund raising letter we pen for someone else, the focus shouldn’t be on us or our cool church identity. That new logo you painstakingly designed should be  transparent, so the attention goes to God. When our efforts are reduced to wanting credit for a cool mailing or outreach event, we will never get the results we crave. Egos have insatiable appetites.  Only when we don’t care about who gets credit are big goals achieved.
So my advice for your next email blast shouting a cool outreach event? Learn a lesson from your favorite unknown authors.  If it connects the reader to God, you’ve done good. If all eyes are on your design skills  or the hairstyle of your new rock star seeker pastor, you’ve just been busted.